what's my deal?

i have a co-worker who i've known the entire time i've been at spectrum. i have an interesting at work friendship with him. he's someone that, if i went to high school with him, we would probably be good friends. once, me, him and another co-worker went out to a bar after work for some beers. virtually the entire time, he and i talked about the bajillion different things we have in common. the third co-worker probably felt like he was with two people on a date who had just met on e-harmony. everything from beer, wine, cigars, music, opinions etc... we just have very similar interests, likes and dislikes.

this was over a year ago, and we haven't hung out on that level outside of work since. most of the time when i see him at work, i just say hi. yesterday, however, was one of the rare times i talked to him for an extended period of time. and that's how it will be. most of the time it's just a, "what's up?" or "have you seen this movie?" or "have you heard this band?" but sometime we have actual conversations.

it's just a weird relationship, and it's a good example of my social awkwardness. lately, i've been really frustrated with this aspect of myself. i hate it. i don't know if it's my lack of confidence, my inability to make interesting conversation outside of theology or politics, my inability to think on my feet, or just not being comfortable in my own skin. i suspect it's all of these.

most people consider me introverted. i guess i am, but it's not always by choice. many times i want to talk to people, but i'm afraid people might not want to talk to me. the same goes for asking people to hang out. most of the time, when people ask me to hang out i'm all for it, but i'm typically reluctant to ask people i don't know well to hang out. it's not that i'm scared they'll say no. it's that i'm scared the said person and i will have a boring or crappy time or that it will be awkward, and they won't want to hang out again. i know this is retarded. i know it intellectually, but i don't believe it.

not liking sports really screws me over when it comes to hanging out with, or making small talk with other guys. i see this all the time whenever someone new starts at work. if it's a guy and he meets another guy and they're both into sports- which most guys are- they usually strike up a conversation within minutes. the whole time i think, "i wish i knew what the hell they were talking about so i could join in." but i don't so i just go about my business. yesterday, i heard some co-workers, across the room, discussing politics. i left my work and went over there so i could join in on the conversation. i catch people talking about politics at my work about every two years, so i'll do anything to get in on the discussion.

things i can comfortably talk about with people are theology, politics, movies, music, history, relationships, being married, home ownership, and dog ownership. the problem is that most people don't want to open up about their relationships when you first meet, i don't typically like the movies and music that others like, and religion and politics are not kosher to bring up in polite conversation. so i usually just stay quiet unless i have something to say.

it's true that i'm not comfortable in my own skin, and i think i make people feel awkward. i always hear that bill clinton is amazing with people. even people who hate him say they become like jello when they're around him. that he makes you feel like you're they only person in the room. i wish i were like that. i don't trust people. maybe that's my problem. i don't trust people to like me. i assume they want to have nothing to do with me, and that i have to impress them for them to want to be my friend. maybe i don't like me, and i think other people will feel the same way.