aids walk, religion, chaos and order

anne and i did the aids walk today. it was a beautiful morning and afternoon. when we got there we saw people with their dogs. after much deliberation i went home and got niles. when i got back the walk had started, so i had to find a parking spot quickly. even though he's sick, niles behaved well. we walked through part of the heritage hills historic district. the houses there are amazing, and i got to see some i hadn't seen before. we also passed the meyer may house, which was designed by frank lloyd wright. the house is stunning; a true work of art. when we got back they had a raffle drawing, and anne won a gift basket, hair cut and style from a local salon. she was very excited, although we were hoping to win the grand prize, which was a night at the amway grand.

when we left we were stopped by a homeless guy. we were forced to talk to him because we were waiting for the light to change so we could cross the street. anne and i don't carry cash on us, so we couldn't give him the two dollars he asked for. it was obvious, however, that he was high or intoxicated. he was trying to feed niles his half-eaten apple. the whole situation was frustrating. i don't mind helping people, who i know really are just hungry, but i can't stand being harassed. i swear the homeless people in the mid west are much more aggressive than those in new york or boston. we weren't stopped or pestered once in those cities. on top of that he tried to guilt trip me by asking if i had ever been homeless, and telling me i might be someday.

this is where the conservative in me comes out. i don't believe in just giving money to people. i don't believe in welfare. even if i had two dollars i would not have given it to him. for one, because he was already high, and two i'm not really helping him. he told me he lives under the bridge. i wanted to ask him why he doesn't go to guiding light or mel trotter. grand rapids has the most resources for the homeless in the u.s. homeless people actually come to grand rapids for their homelessness programs. it just made me so mad because i want to help him. i want to plop him down and say tell me about your life. how did you get here? what happened? what do you want with the rest of your life? how can you change? what needs to happen? here's some resources; talk to these people; ask for this person. and some day when i'm a social worker i'll be able to do that. but don't fricken harass me! i want to have compassion for you, but pestering me isn't helping!!

my race and ethnic relations prof explained something to us that i have been thinking about ever since. someone in class asked him what the function of religion is in societies. he told us about some sociologists who observed a society that lived on an island. around the island there was a lagoon where the people fished. beyond the lagoon there was the ocean, where they also fished. the ocean was obviously much more dangerous, many people died fishing there and it was very mysterious to the primitive island people. in studying the peoples religious customs, the researchers found that much of their religion focused on the ocean, not the island or the lagoon. the point my instructor made was that the people attached the most religious beliefs to the ocean because it was the one thing that was big, mysterious and beyond their control. iow, people use religion to cope with the unknown. religious people are typically healthier than non-religious. people who pray do recover faster than people who don't. the theory is that religion gives a sense of control over the unknown, which relieves stress. this got me thinking about what we attach religious belief to. is it typically the big, mysterious, and unknown? are christians any different than the islanders? what is the biggest thing that christians debate and argue about? what is christianity supposed to have all the answers about? what is the thing which continues to be a great mystery?

if we look at the ancients we see they did the same thing. they looked at the sky and saw gods. they looked at volcanoes and saw gods. they looked at the ocean and saw chaos, monsters, and gods. as we grew in scientific knowledge we found that there were natural explanations for these mysteries. the big mystery we have yet to solve is what happens after death. a person can go through their entire life without thinking of God, but put them on their deathbed and they have a come-to-jesus moment. if we follow the logic that people attach religious beliefs to things beyond their control, and those things tend to end up having natural explanations then why not death? is that all God is? something we use to cope with life's stresses and mysteries? is that why we feel comfort and peace? isn't that what a lot of christains say? just give it to jesus. lay it at the foot of the cross. you're not in control, God is. is our religion just an elaborate, sophisticated version of the one the islanders have?

some christians would immediately argue that we have objective proof. hundreds of eyewitnesses saw jesus alive. the apostles died for their faith, so it must have been authentic. read josephus. read tacitus. jesus existed and he rose from the dead, and that's how christianity is different from other religions. now, i agree with this to a point. my theology is pretty much a blend of boyd and wright. but the problem is, is there are a host of scholars-- good scholars, not shitty, pseudo- ones like baigent-- who would say otherwise. for the lay person, in the end, you're taking the word of an authority. my question is do we buy what wright, boyd, witherington and others say because we want them to be right? because we need them to be right? i admit that when i read or listen to interviews with liberal scholars, they can be pretty convincing.

what i know is this: love is powerful. love causes people to insane, incredible things. love, at times, trumps survival. forgiving people is physically healthier than remaining bitter. things are better when people love one another. grace changes people. i love being alive and i never want it to end. most of us regret slavery. most of us regret what happened to native americans. most of us would never want that to happen again. we long for justice. people change when you forgive them. telling the truth is liberating. truth, love and justice are connected. the earth is beautiful, and no one has to tell me. life would be more abundant if people would love, forgive, seek justice, strive for peace, be patient, compassionate, tell the truth, and be empathetic.

there is a level of orderliness to revenge. there is a level of orderliness to returning evil with evil. it's primal, but it works. there is a higher level of orderliness in returning evil with good. the ancients-- including the hebrews-- believe god brought order from chaos. i believe love is the highest level of order. it leads to reconciliation, builds relationships, and creates life. good for good and evil for evil-- the way of the world-- maintains the status quo. it's static. and sin leads to death and destruction.

today we did something to help complete strangers with a terminal illness. even though he pissed me off, i still wish i could have helped that homeless guy. love has to be the foundation of my faith; that things are better and there is a higher level of order when people love. the bible is a story of a God of love intimately connected with his creation; who says that his people love him when they love each other. a God who says he gives abundant life and then tells people to love no matter what. my faith cannot be built on a fear of death, if it is then it is no more authentic than any other primitive religion.

ok erica. here's 125. i'll do the rest later

I am a husband
I am a son
I am a pharmacy technician
I use to smoke a lot of pot
If it were legal I would probably still do it now and then
I love to eat
I love all cuisines
My favorite food is sushi
I’m going to eat some on Sunday
I was born in Muskegon
I was born at hackley hospital
Frasier is my favorite show
I own every season out on dvd
I have a boxer
He is named after a character on Frasier
I love beer
I love wine
I prefer micro-brews over imported beer
My favorite breweries are New Holland and Great Lakes Brewery
I love white and red wines
Pinot Gris is my favorite white
Chianti is my favorite red
I think that people go to see movies like Saw for the extreme gore
That really, really bothers me
I think these people have an extraordinary inability to empathize
Serial killers are unable to empathize
I am fascinated by dead celebrities
When I was little and I learned about an old celebrity the first question I would ask is if they were dead
Last night I read an article about the guy who played coach on cheers
I’m sure these means I am psychologically messed up in some way
I love my race and ethnic relations class
I don’t like my sociology class
The reason is because of my instructors
Right now is my favorite time of year
Because of the weather
Even though I don’t watch hardly any sports I get exited when football season starts
I also love it when holiday stuff starts showing up in stores
I miss my childhood
I would give anything to go back and live a day in 1985
I love history
I love historical artifacts
I voted for GW Bush in 2000
I followed that election obsessively
I felt a sense of dread when I thought Gore was going to win
I wish Al Gore won
Well, he sort of did
I didn’t vote for president in 2004
But I wish Kerry would have won
I hate the War in Iraq
Every Sunday on George Stephanopolis’ program they list all the new dead soldiers that the Pentagon released info about
I get pissed off every time I see those names
I think their lives were wasted
I think people that say they weren’t are delusional
I think Saddam and his sons were evil sadists and I’m glad they are dead
There are a lot of evil sadists who are running countries right now
We aren’t going there and “liberating” those people
I argued with a lot of people about how we should go to war in Iraq
I was a lemming
If we didn’t go there we might have actually got the people who did cause 911
I don’t really think Bush gave a shit about that though
I think his administration had plans to invade Iraq before 911
If we didn’t go there we would probably have better relationships with other countries
Bush squandered a ton of political capital on Iraq
O.k. I’m done talking about this
I am against abortion
I don’t think abortion should be made illegal
This confuses people
I believe God created the world
I believe what mainstream science says about evolution
I enjoy discussing this topic
I don’t know why
I don’t tell people this who I know will judge me
I don’t like people misjudging me
This is why I am selective about who I talk to about my faith
I don’t want to be lumped in with 90 percent of the Christians people know
My dog has something up his nose
He’s producing a lot of mucus
It’s gross
I have a surgical technologist degree
I probably will never use it
I didn’t’ like working with most of the doctors as a Surg Tech
Most were not very friendly towards me
This made me very nervous
I have been married for over a year
We went to New York and Boston on our honeymoon
Our honeymoon was the best time I’ve had in my life
I love New York
I love Boston
I would go to back to either of those places in an instant
I want to travel
I want to travel all over Europe
When I do, and if I go to Amsterdam, I will probably smoke pot in a hash bar
I live the life I dreamed of when I was 21
It’s a pretty simple life
At that time it seemed unachievable
I am going to school to be a social worker
I am extremely exited about that
I love that I can study things I am interested in and it relates to my degree
I am exited about the 2008 election
I don’t care who wins as long as they don’t have a big R in front of their name
I am bitter at the republican party
I want Biden to win the primaries
I know he won’t
The only democratic candidate I wasn’t going to vote for was hillary
I’ve changed my mind
I still don’t like too much about her, but I think she’s far better than anyone on the republican side
I like her healthcare plan
I get pissed when people dismiss it as “hillary care”
If she gets the nomination I hope Biden is her running mate
I am glad his plan for Iraq passed in the Senate
I think it’s our best option
I really like John Edwards
I don’t think he can win
I really like Barak Obama
I get really pissed when people call him Barak Hussein Obama
I think he could win if he gets tougher
I don’t like rednecks
I think they’re ignorant
Backwards
Obnoxious
I lump a big group of people in the redneck category
I know I shouldn’t do this
I know it’s prejudice
Anne and I need more discipline
I need to read more

safe and sound

like most people, i have a lot of issues. i am hyper-judgemental, selfish, self-absorbed, a procrastinator. but out of all my issues there are two that bother me the most: i don't trust people and i have an intense fear of dying.

when i say i don't trust people, i don't mean to say that i have trust issues e.g. i have a hard time trusting my wife, or lending money to friends. i don't have a problem with trusting my wife, friends or even acquaintances at all. i don't trust strangers. i was at riverside park the other day with my dog. it was around 3 o'clock and there weren't many people around. as we started walking i saw this guy walking in our direction. he was about my height with a medium build. it was almost 90 degrees and he had a hoody on with work boots. he looked like he was in his thirties, olive complection, and bald. immediately my mind started racing with all sorts of sinister thoughts. "what if he pulls out a gun and trys to rob me?" "screw robbing me, what if he's just nuts and trys to kill me?"
i couldn't get past the fact that he was just this random guy walking thru the park a lone in extremely inappropriate aparel considering the weather. and i was all alone; there were no witnesses. but, of course, he just walked right by without saying a word.

this fear is part of the reason i go to the park in the first place. while it is gorgeous there and i'd much rather walk niles there than anywhere else, i also go there because i get paranoid walking him in my neighborhood. every time i walk him down engle street, there is nobody around. it's completely dead. anyone who wanted to rob me or take niles could walk up and do it, and there'd be no witnesses. last time i walked niles a kid, in the distance on a bike, yelled to me asking what kind of dog i had. why the hell does this kid give a shit about my dog?? i wanted to yell back, "no, he's not a pitbull, he doesn't fight, and he's not an attack dog!!" furthermore, i've heard that people who do fight dogs steal boxers for sparring purposes.

so basically, anyone who isn't over the age of seventy, and doesn't look like a pastor or doctor i view as threatening. i know this isn't healthy and i know that most people aren't going to attack, kill or rob me. i blame it on the media...

maybe this is unique to me, but in the mornings when i've just awaken but i'm not yet fully awake i think in the most extreme, intense ways. it's like, in those moments i am the rawest version of myself. i sometimes wonder if these are my TRUE thoughts, or my i-haven't-been-awake-long-enough-or-had-my-coffee thoughts. in fact, i'll tell myself, "you won't think this is true in a half an hour. you'll think you're over-reacting." this morning, moments after i had woken up i had a deep, visceral realization that i am going to die. this is what scares me most about death. not so much how it will happen, but that it will happen. there is no way out. it is inevitable. the only thing that gives me some solace is that i'm not alone in this. it was really bad this time, almost as if it was alluding to something; that i might not make it thru the day.

at work, i started thinking about this again. i was up on the floors when this kind of hard-ass nurse walked past me and patted me on the back. i turned around and said, "what's up?" and she didn't say anything. she just walked out the room, so i yelled, "you didn't put something on me did you?" and she said, "just sayin hi." it was weird. a little later, i was on the cancer floor when this patient with downs came up behind me- that's right, downs and cancer, talk about drawing a bad hand- and said, "how are you today?" he was wearing glasses with lenses so thick they could concentrate enough sunlight to vaporize a stag beetle, so i didn't know whether he was trying to make me laugh or whether they were his real glasses. i replied back, "i'm good, how are you?" he just kind of stared off for a second with this silly look on his face and then walked off. it was just random. i had seen this guy before. he's been there a while, but he's never said anything to me.

i started to get a little nervous. "i better drive home really carefully tonight" , i thought. then something occurred to me. last night i prayed. and when i prayed i asked for peace and for faith, to believe that God was in control and that i won't die if God isn't ready for me to. i also prayed for faith and trust in people. not a naive, gullible trust, but one that doesn't assume everyone has it out for me. when i remembered this a warm calm came over me.

when the nurse patted me on the back i actually took my hoody off to see if she had stuck something on me. she hadn't. she was just being nice.

done with my paper!! and random thoughts about morality and theology

i'm finally done with my spring arbor writing sample. i've been working on it for months on and off. it's on the challenges of attending spring arbor's degree completion program. basically, i'm going there because i'll only have one class one day a week. i'm going there to avoid the challenges of attending grand valley, which would force me to take a crap load of classes i don't need. so writing a paper on how challenging spring arbor is going to be was a bit difficult. but it's done, and i can finally turn it in and get the admitting guy off my back.

today was another day off that included taking niles to the park and coming to beaners (which is where i am now). class today was boring as ever. before i started this semester, i was thinking to myself if there existed, outside of christian colleges, a conservative sociology instructor/prof. and low and behold i found one, and he teaches the class i had today. well, i shouldn't say conservative as if he's pushing neo-conservative political views in class, but he's dutch reformed, graduated from hope, and was going on about morals and values today. compared to my other sociology instructors, he's pretty conservative.

lately, i've been more aware of my tendency to look for the theological underpinnings of everything. we were discussing kohlberg's stages of moral development today, and i started thinking of them in terms of human morality/laws and the kingdom of God. they're broken up into pre-conventional morality, conventional and post-conventional.

the pre-conventional stage is a child learning that some behavior is rewarded and some is punished (e.g. if you murder you go to jail). the conventional stage takes place in teen and adult years, and is where people learn how to conform to rules and begin to care what other people think of them (e.g. dealing with other people civilly, and being aware that murderers are looked down upon (usually, kind of...)). the post-conventional stage is where people realize morality doesn't come from government or laws, but that people have certain rights that transcend those institutions (e.g. despite what any government says, murder is wrong because people have a right to live.).

from a theological perspective we could say that there is a divinely intended way to live (Kingdom Of God) and there is how society says we should live. the various moral codes that societies create are an attempt to achieve an ideal/post-conventional way of living for it's people. some come closer than others to the way God intended, but all fall short in some way. religions and churches do this also. they create rules and moral codes for their followers that they feel match the way their god wants people to behave. ultimately they fall short also. most people try to achieve/defend the conventional, failing to see that it falls short of the ideal/post-conventional. in fact, the ideal usually is dismissed as utopian, unrealistic and impractical. the christian belief is that it (the ideal) is slowly unfolding and gaining ground and will one day be reality when jesus returns... well, some christians believe that anyway. others defend the conventional because they feel it's the best they have until God destroys this world entirely and creates a brand, spankin new one. which begs the question, why the hell didn't God just create the new/ideal/eternal one to begin with??

o.k. so my thoughts on this aren't entirely (or nearly) polished. i just think it's interesting that we recognize a morality that transcends society's convention. of course, this isn't anything new, it's the first chapter of mere christianity, but as where lewis is saying morality points to a source, i'm saying morality points to an intended way of living.

i don't know why i view everything thru a theological lens. my other blog is supposed to be about culture and politics as well as religion, but i usually end up writing about something theological. and, honestly, i really don't want to. i don't think of myself as a theologian. oh well, maybe this blog will get me writing about other topics.

a much better day

today was better. although work still sucked because i kept getting paged every 5 minutes so i couldn't get everything i wanted to get done, done. things are a little better on the home front though. anne and i had a long, emotional talk, and then went and got mc donalds at like 3 in the morning. i'm still really tired.
i've learned a lot about myself since i've gotten married. some of that has to do with why things are the way the are between us. i've learned how much my only-child habits have infiltrated my adult life. in many ways, i'm still an only child. i'm extremely selfish. i live in my own little world, and this greatly harms my relationship with anne.

i have no problem being a lone. growing up the way i did, i was by myself ninety percent of the time. i mostly watched t.v., read encyclopedias (no, i'm not trying to make myself sound smart), and made super hero costumes from my pajamas and ran around the trailer (yes, i lived in a trailer park). this was my life as a child. we moved into a house when i was a teenager and since i didn't go to public school and there were very few people my age that lived in my neighborhood, i didn't have many friends. i watched a lot of t.v., played basketball in my driveway and bided my time until i got my drivers license.

my best friend in high school and post high school was very out-going and attracted girls like moths to a flame. in other words, it was very socially adventageous to be his friend. not that, that was my reason for being his friend. My primary drive, however, in my social life was to find a wife.

now a days, at work, i usually eat lunch alone and read. i have very little involvement in the social goings on and the reason is because i'm married. i know that if i were single i would be much better friends with people i work with. i would eat in the break room with everyone else. i would be socially motivated. but i'm not. i'm married. i'm content. i can retreat back to my own little world.
which is what i do, at work, and at home. now that i've check spouse off from my, "things to acquire before i die" list, i can go back to my only-child life.
and i have. i know this isn't healthy. yes, solitude is something one should appreciate, but humans are meant to be socially integrated beings. i need my wife. she needs me. i need, "my little world" to become, "our little world." and when children come they need to be included. i and my wife are one. i'm not by myself anymore.

shitty day

i had an awful day. not just cause work sucked, and i worked with someone that works slower than the grass grows, and it was busy, but also because my wife is upset with me. i hate it, it's all i think about all day. it eats at my brain. for the first time ever i bought flowers and a card to show how sorry i am.
she gets home soon and i'm a little nervous. every sound i here, i'm wondering if it's her, home early. i hope this night ends well.