confrontation and adaptation

i am a non-confrontational person. i will typically avoid confrontation at all costs. when i get into heated arguments with people i don't know too well my sympathetic nervous system kicks in full gear and i begin shaking and my voice trembles. basically, i look and sound like i'm going to cry, which sucks, because i'm actually pissed and crying is the furthest thing from my mind. i would bet that if i didn't behave this way in confrontational situations i wouldn't be as prone to avoiding them. but alas, i do and i only get into them when they come to me, and the other day, one did.

i won't get into specifics because that would take too long, but while i was doing a job a co-worker should have already had done, said co-worker walked up, got in my face, and told me she needed help with something else, and that i wasn't helping her. now this co-worker is already on the brink of being fired because she struggles to keep up with her work and others have to always come bail her out, and i already had a laundry list of things i wanted to say to her. so, needless to say, the opportunity presented itself and when my fight or flight response kicked in, i fought.

in the end, i think this was good for me. i need more experiences like that. that's not to say i need to start picking fights with random people to improve the way i handle myself in confrontations, but i need to learn to not fear them and to keep my self in control while firmly arguing my side. the rest of our day together went fine, and while we didn't talk about our blowout again, i think she understood that my frustration wasn't towards her personally, but her lack of certain skills.

when confrontation and conflict turn ugly, it often has to do with how the two parties are communicating, as well as, their history. i think that being honest and open with people is important, but it's also about how you're honest and open. i have a diverse group of friends. most of my friends are not friends with each other, and only know one another through me. i get nervous when some of my friends are around each other. during the week of my wedding two of them almost came to blows, and another set of them did. why do i get along with all of them, but some of them cannot get along at all? a lot of it has to do with communication. the way i communicate-- what i say and how i say it-- changes with each friend. most people communicate one way with everyone, and if they clash with some people, they respond with: "oh well, you can't get a long with everyone." and some people are so oblivious, they cannot even grasp basic communication etiquette like: don't talk religion and politics with new people. my dad is a good example of that.

i think my desire to avoid confrontation has a lot to do with why i can communicate and maintain friendships with people who are very different from one another. rather than getting into fights, i adapt to how others communicate. my big challenge on the conflict and confrontation front, like i said, is learning to not look like i'm about to cry. i think a good step towards that is learning to recognize when things are escalating, and then to take it down a notch. it's interesting to me how something that is usually problematic-- avoiding confrontation-- has been somewhat of an asset to me. now i just need to learn to adapt in times when it's unavoidable.