a much better day

today was better. although work still sucked because i kept getting paged every 5 minutes so i couldn't get everything i wanted to get done, done. things are a little better on the home front though. anne and i had a long, emotional talk, and then went and got mc donalds at like 3 in the morning. i'm still really tired.
i've learned a lot about myself since i've gotten married. some of that has to do with why things are the way the are between us. i've learned how much my only-child habits have infiltrated my adult life. in many ways, i'm still an only child. i'm extremely selfish. i live in my own little world, and this greatly harms my relationship with anne.

i have no problem being a lone. growing up the way i did, i was by myself ninety percent of the time. i mostly watched t.v., read encyclopedias (no, i'm not trying to make myself sound smart), and made super hero costumes from my pajamas and ran around the trailer (yes, i lived in a trailer park). this was my life as a child. we moved into a house when i was a teenager and since i didn't go to public school and there were very few people my age that lived in my neighborhood, i didn't have many friends. i watched a lot of t.v., played basketball in my driveway and bided my time until i got my drivers license.

my best friend in high school and post high school was very out-going and attracted girls like moths to a flame. in other words, it was very socially adventageous to be his friend. not that, that was my reason for being his friend. My primary drive, however, in my social life was to find a wife.

now a days, at work, i usually eat lunch alone and read. i have very little involvement in the social goings on and the reason is because i'm married. i know that if i were single i would be much better friends with people i work with. i would eat in the break room with everyone else. i would be socially motivated. but i'm not. i'm married. i'm content. i can retreat back to my own little world.
which is what i do, at work, and at home. now that i've check spouse off from my, "things to acquire before i die" list, i can go back to my only-child life.
and i have. i know this isn't healthy. yes, solitude is something one should appreciate, but humans are meant to be socially integrated beings. i need my wife. she needs me. i need, "my little world" to become, "our little world." and when children come they need to be included. i and my wife are one. i'm not by myself anymore.