safe and sound

like most people, i have a lot of issues. i am hyper-judgemental, selfish, self-absorbed, a procrastinator. but out of all my issues there are two that bother me the most: i don't trust people and i have an intense fear of dying.

when i say i don't trust people, i don't mean to say that i have trust issues e.g. i have a hard time trusting my wife, or lending money to friends. i don't have a problem with trusting my wife, friends or even acquaintances at all. i don't trust strangers. i was at riverside park the other day with my dog. it was around 3 o'clock and there weren't many people around. as we started walking i saw this guy walking in our direction. he was about my height with a medium build. it was almost 90 degrees and he had a hoody on with work boots. he looked like he was in his thirties, olive complection, and bald. immediately my mind started racing with all sorts of sinister thoughts. "what if he pulls out a gun and trys to rob me?" "screw robbing me, what if he's just nuts and trys to kill me?"
i couldn't get past the fact that he was just this random guy walking thru the park a lone in extremely inappropriate aparel considering the weather. and i was all alone; there were no witnesses. but, of course, he just walked right by without saying a word.

this fear is part of the reason i go to the park in the first place. while it is gorgeous there and i'd much rather walk niles there than anywhere else, i also go there because i get paranoid walking him in my neighborhood. every time i walk him down engle street, there is nobody around. it's completely dead. anyone who wanted to rob me or take niles could walk up and do it, and there'd be no witnesses. last time i walked niles a kid, in the distance on a bike, yelled to me asking what kind of dog i had. why the hell does this kid give a shit about my dog?? i wanted to yell back, "no, he's not a pitbull, he doesn't fight, and he's not an attack dog!!" furthermore, i've heard that people who do fight dogs steal boxers for sparring purposes.

so basically, anyone who isn't over the age of seventy, and doesn't look like a pastor or doctor i view as threatening. i know this isn't healthy and i know that most people aren't going to attack, kill or rob me. i blame it on the media...

maybe this is unique to me, but in the mornings when i've just awaken but i'm not yet fully awake i think in the most extreme, intense ways. it's like, in those moments i am the rawest version of myself. i sometimes wonder if these are my TRUE thoughts, or my i-haven't-been-awake-long-enough-or-had-my-coffee thoughts. in fact, i'll tell myself, "you won't think this is true in a half an hour. you'll think you're over-reacting." this morning, moments after i had woken up i had a deep, visceral realization that i am going to die. this is what scares me most about death. not so much how it will happen, but that it will happen. there is no way out. it is inevitable. the only thing that gives me some solace is that i'm not alone in this. it was really bad this time, almost as if it was alluding to something; that i might not make it thru the day.

at work, i started thinking about this again. i was up on the floors when this kind of hard-ass nurse walked past me and patted me on the back. i turned around and said, "what's up?" and she didn't say anything. she just walked out the room, so i yelled, "you didn't put something on me did you?" and she said, "just sayin hi." it was weird. a little later, i was on the cancer floor when this patient with downs came up behind me- that's right, downs and cancer, talk about drawing a bad hand- and said, "how are you today?" he was wearing glasses with lenses so thick they could concentrate enough sunlight to vaporize a stag beetle, so i didn't know whether he was trying to make me laugh or whether they were his real glasses. i replied back, "i'm good, how are you?" he just kind of stared off for a second with this silly look on his face and then walked off. it was just random. i had seen this guy before. he's been there a while, but he's never said anything to me.

i started to get a little nervous. "i better drive home really carefully tonight" , i thought. then something occurred to me. last night i prayed. and when i prayed i asked for peace and for faith, to believe that God was in control and that i won't die if God isn't ready for me to. i also prayed for faith and trust in people. not a naive, gullible trust, but one that doesn't assume everyone has it out for me. when i remembered this a warm calm came over me.

when the nurse patted me on the back i actually took my hoody off to see if she had stuck something on me. she hadn't. she was just being nice.